February 26, 2015
Sometime, later in life, a woman might discover that she's out in the world and she gets her period at a surprising time that's not on schedule. So, being unprepared, she will be compelled to purchase the necessary feminine products, but all that will be available in the obscure shop she finds herself near will be an extra-large size package. She will bring home that extra-large size package, and store it in the cupboard next to the large package she had bought previously. A few months will go by. The situation will repeat itself. Only when she's purchased at least three extra-large size boxes of feminine products will she stop menstruating. Welcome to menopause. 
With All Best Wishes,
Madame Anchovy

February 19, 2015
They say that life is no laughing matter. HA!
Goodbye and Good Riddance,
Slippery Sally

February 12, 2015
He looks like a disease. But not a curable one.
Over And Out,
Mabel Bessie Rose

February 5, 2015
When I stop and add up all the money I've spent on my pets - the cost of vets, pills, surgeries, expensive organic food, people to feed them expensive organic food when I'm away, and that stupid wardrobe of tiny clothing - then, well, I think community college is good enough for the kids, isn't it?
Feeling Justified,
Honeybug Kim

January 29, 2015
Here’s a free tip: don't write a memoir if you have a dull and boring life.
Your Pal,
Stinky Pete

January 22, 2015
Never hire a boy to do a woman's job.
Truthfully,
Oldest Living Dyke In The City

January 15, 2015
Where the sky meets the horizon. When the thunder fades away. What you can't see behind you. When you're almost, but not completely, asleep. Gray.
Fondly,
Miss Monday

January 8, 2015
I was reading this book and getting along pretty well until the author introduced some type of magical creatures called Anxioris, and that's when I had to throw the thing across the room where it hit the red vase my girlfriend bought at a yard sale we had stopped at on the way back from Thanksgiving dinner at her cousin's place in Baltimore the year my grandmother's car lost it's brakes and she - my grandmother - plowed into the schoolyard maiming two children and the teacher, a young woman who had only just moved to town after spending 2 years on some South Pole expedition studying sub-surface ice structures.
Very, very, very truly yours,
Banshee Rainwater

January 8, 2015
They say curiosity kills the cat, but sometimes it's poison from your mean neighbor.
Telling It Like It is,
Skimpy Andersdotter

January 1, 2015
Wouldn’t it be a lot easier if hopes and dreams came with expiration dates?
Kisses and Crossbones,
Barium Hatchback

December 25, 2014
Why do they call things a blessing in disguise? Do you think blessings walk around trying to hide from us? Or are they just ashamed?
Check You Later,
Lion Inwait

December 18, 2014
If I wear a wig, do I really need to wear a hat also? Couldn't I just wear two wigs?
Thanks a Million,
Bertha Pipsqueek

December 11, 2014
If I come back as an animal, I hope it's one that is reincarnated as a person when it dies.
Planning Ahead,
Truckdrivin' Mama

December 4, 2014
Like a lot of people my age, I've lost track of what's trendy. I don't know the names of all the new bands. I haven't seen a new movie in a very long time. I don't really care anymore what brands of clothing I wear, and I only want shoes that are comfortable. I have no need to go to every hot new club that opens, or to show up at exclusive parties. I've changed a lot over the years. I guess that happens to all of us when we turn 20. 
Thoughtfully,
Zambia Bhutan

November 27, 2014
They say that the more jewels you have in your crown the more it hurts to wear it. That's why I carry my crown in my purse.
Regally Yours,
Queen Spumoni

November 20, 2014
The forecast today is angry with scattered rude remarks followed by inappropriate laughter. Dress accordingly. 
Living to serve you,
Vonna Von Naa

November 13, 2014
It's been three days and I've had no cigarettes or alcohol or sugar or meat or caffeine. Three days I tell you! Three horrific days of excruciating hell wrapped in a tight noose of pain and devastation! Three days of abject misery!! Three fucking long-ass days!!

But who's counting?
Thanks for Your Concern,
Roscoe Puddingpie

November 6, 2014
Please  order two thousand copies of Item X-48w and one thousand copies of Item X-52c, but make half of them double-sided. Be sure that the X-48w's are steel and the X-52c's are brass. Package them in recycled materials. Remove all tags and effluvia. Ship express with certification to our Southern Office. Is all this boring and confusing? Too bad. I'm bored and confused everyday.
Yours Forever,
Bessie Chester

October 30, 2014
Why mosquitoes? Because someone has to drink your blood besides vampires.
Just In Case Someone Wants To Know,
Coco Ludovica

October 23, 2014
LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA, I can't hear you.
Best Wishes,
Tommy Kumquat

October 16, 2014
I like to go swimming
With bare nekkid wimmin
And dive between their legs.
Yours Truly,
The Oldest Living Dyke In The City

October 9, 2014
When you stop and think about it, the carful planning, the hours of stalking, the vigorous execution, the exhaustive cleanup, and having to keep track of all your complicated lies is truly a lot of work. And everything must be conducted with mind numbing repetition. Frankly, most of us are just too damned lazy to be serial killers. 
Over & Out,
Little Susie Puddles

October 2, 2014
How does this shirt look on me? Too big? Does it make me look pregnant? What about this one? Does it make my tits look saggy? C'mon. You can tell me.
Just Wondering,
Dad

September 25, 2014
I have to admit that I never liked the guy who lives across the street from me, but if I had a time machine and could go back to when his mom was pregnant and convince her to have an abortion, I wouldn't. Because, really, that would be a waste of a good time machine trip.
Keeping It Real,
Doctor Johnnycakes

September 18, 2014
Would you rather be dead or be just a head in a jar? And if you choose "head in a jar" - is that pickle, mayonnaise, or jam?
Keep Warm,
Miss Scissors

September 11, 2014
Yesterday's terrorist is today's hero. Former revolutionaries are now hailed as champions. Your subversive rebels are their saints. So just be very, very careful who you lock up.
Watching Out for You,
Spatula Garcia

September 4, 2014
Each day I don't hear that new pop singing sensation is better than the last.
Best Wishes For Your Future,
Commander Yellow

August 28, 2014
I was reading a book, and it was a pretty good book, when suddenly in the middle of it there were a bunch of pages missing. I flipped ahead thinking that maybe, somehow, they got misplaced. Then I found even more gaps of missing pages. I was so mad. Damn, I thought, just when I was getting involved with the story. But the sun was too hot and bugs were crawling on my inner thighs and there were too many smelly things around for my taste. So I gave up on the book, left the park, and went back home, drank a bunch of beers, and watched hours of porn on my computer.
Until Next Time,
Algebra Sam

August 21, 2014
You spend one-seventh of your life on a Tuesday.

Godspeed,
Miss Filter

August 14, 2014
Stop praying. I don't listen. I don't care. I've obviously got more important things to do than fulfill your every petty little whim. Fuck off. - Love, God

And don't come running to me either. - Love, Allah

Ha! Forget about it. - Love, Buddha

Leave us alone, too. - Love, Brahma, Visnhu, and Shiva

Don't even think about it. (And why am I always last on the list?)

Disgusted,
Ahura Mazda

August 7, 2014
I eat leather and wear meat. But that doesn't mean I don't love animals. Just ask my hamster.
Sincerely,
Mr. Rootie Tootie

July 31, 2014
Soon all bookshops will be antiquarian.
Over and Out,
Elmer Jane Pugsly

July 24, 2014
I watch your face with the same concerned expression of the person who cleans the windows on the top floor of a skyscraper. 
Love You and Now I’m Leavin’,
Cinnamon Girl

July 17, 2014
If I was a pirate, I'd make you walk the plank. But right before you stepped off into the water, I'd tell you to stop. Then you'd owe me. Big time.
Furious,
Bandy Tandy

July 10, 2014
The other day I saw a cloud that was shaped exactly like a cloud.
For the Record,
Agnes Whammy

July 3, 2014
Is it knit 1, purl 2, slip stitch, knit 4? Or knit 1, purl 4, slip stitch, knit 2? I don't think the sleeves are supposed to look like this, do you? Should I unravel and start over? Or should I just take this knitting needle and stick it in my eye?
Up Too Late,
Mrs. John Q. Public

June 26, 2014
Don’t worry about age. Right now you are the oldest you have ever been and you are also younger than you ever will be.
And So It Goes,
Hydrangea Spunk

June 19, 2014
Here’s the daily report: she spends a lot of time playing with string.
Faithfully Yours,
Bailey Snogs

June 12, 2014
My next door neighbors never shut up. They were screaming day and night, crying incessantly, yelling to each other, and talking non-stop gibberish. So, yes, I smothered them and, yes, after three days the stench was horrific, but it beat the noise. Life is full of compromise.
All The Best,
Sugar Magnolia

June 5, 2014
Popes may come and popes may go, but we'll always have nuns galore.
Love, Peace, and Chicken Grease,
Captain Shirley Straightline

May 29, 2014
Hey, I just came up with some a new emoticon: º-º  It's a face with absolutely no emotion whatsoever cuz it really doesn't give a shit about you.
Hugs and Kisses,
Betty Veronica

May 22, 2014
I woke up this morning with spots all over my hands. They itch like crazy but when I scratch them, my hair starts falling out. Do you think it's something I ate? Or an allergy? Or some kind of virus? Or did I get drunk last night and get a bunch of  weird new tattoos?
Time to Get Naked,
Petunia Daily

May 15, 2014
I'm looking for a toothbrush that really appreciates teeth and has over 5 years experience with toothpaste. Must have superior bristle action and get along well with toilets. Apply now!
Making Room in My Bathroom,
Rikki Robot-Smythe

May 8, 2014
Here's a riddle for you --
Q: How many men does is take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Who cares?
Many Happy Returns,
The Oldest Living Dyke In The City

May 1, 2014
Today in the park mothers take pictures of their tiny babies. Many years from now those babies, grown old, will look at those pictures and dream of simpler times.

Sweet Dreams,
Kamaria Blue

April 24, 2014
Don't tell me to shut up! Why don't you make me shut up?!
Done and Dusted,
Boots Lorrigan

April 17, 2014
Every morning on my way to work, I stop at a diner to get a cup of coffee and a Danish. One day I noticed a small spider near the floor in the corner, behind the cashier. It was a little gray spider sitting in her web. I wondered if the spider had been born in this diner. Had she ever been back in the kitchen? Had she ever been outside? Was her entire life spent in that corner behind the cashier? Every day I checked on that spider, and every day she was there in her web. Then one day she was gone. As I left the diner, I noticed her slowly crawling out the door. Finally she had gotten outside! Finally she was making her way into a bigger world! Finally she was advancing into her destiny! And that's when she got stepped on.
Over and Out,
Major Allegro

April 10, 2014
If you have a really bad accident and you lose a body part, can you keep that body part in a jar on your mantle? And can you use it as a tax write-off?
Just Curious,
Sister Sadie

April 3, 2014
I really like to read. Reading a book is like going on an exciting trip but you don't have to buy a ticket or pack a bag or leave your house. But sometimes you do have to turn the pages.
Sleep in Heavenly Peace,
Gweeney Lynne

March 27, 2014
I’ve gone 3 days now with no alcohol, no cigarettes, no drugs, no underage girls, no acts of terrorism, and no going over the speed limit. Where's my fucking prize?
Obediently,
Little Miss Honeydew Melon

March 20, 2014
What can I say about him? His stupidity succeeds only in becoming anticipated. His face looks like an accident happened on his shoulders. He is jealous of his own shadow. His existence is an example of life's cruelty. If he was standing here right now I'd throw putrid excrement at him, except that would be a waste of good manure.
Do The Dishes,
Magda Kippers

March 13, 2014
Does my imaginary friend have an imaginary friend, and does she have my name?
Yours truly,
Amaryllis Foreskin

March 6, 2014
What's going to happen when all those Baby Boomers get locked up in nursing homes? They'll want recreational drugs, that's what. So I figure I'll be the dealer for all the old folks homes and assisted living joints. It's a goldmine just waiting to be discovered. I'll make a fortune. You want in? Think about it.
Go Getting,
Tammy Trouser

February 27, 2014
Here's a poem I wrote, submitted for your approval:

Poverty
Sometimes there's not enough money,
And you have a toothache and no dental insurance,
And you spend night after night howling with pain,
And all the liquor in the world can't numb what you're feeling,
And at 3AM you finally take a rusty screwdriver and a hammer
And just pop the muthafucka out.
You can clean up the blood later.

Kind Regards,
Cordelia Nimble

February 20, 2014
I just had to write to tell you this. My baby daughter is the cutest thing. Last week when I was shopping for groceries, she reached up to grab some candy and the entire shelf came crashing down on my head, causing me severe bruising and a concussion. Isn't that too adorable?
Warmly,
Mr. Cupcake

February 13, 2014
Show me a person with three missing fingers, and I'll show you someone who probably wears mittens in the winter.
Smartest Girl in the Class,
Chartreuse Jones

February 6, 2014
I would like to apply for the position of upright. My qualifications are many, and I'm available immediately.
Hoping To Hear From You Soon,
Otto Wasabi

January 30, 2014
Hey, you want me to hack into somebody's computer for you? I can make it so that when they log on they'll only get pictures of dead kittens, or the screen will freeze, or everyone on their email list will get a virus, or the computer will explode. Just tell me what you want. I can do it, no problem. Text me. Anytime. Just don't let my mom know.
Ready To Start Something,
Pistol Voistitoevitz

January 23, 2014
Under that wild, electric hair lived the mind of a killer. Behind those amazing breasts hid a frozen heart. Inside that tight, short skirt throbbed a cruel pussy. Need I go on?
Ciao,
Lady Watercress

January 16, 2014
Here are some tips for all you artists out there:
1. Odd numbers are better than even numbers.
2. Cool colors are better than warm colors.
3. Minor keys are better than major keys.
You're Welcome,
Idaline Dusk

January 9, 2014
Need I remind you yet again,
I have no use for fucking men.
Angrily,
The Oldest Living Dyke in the City

January 2, 2014
We lived in a large crowded city that was dirty and busy and loud. We lived on the north side of that city. We lived in a tall building that was old and made of bricks. We lived in a rented apartment on the fifth floor in the back and it was dark even on sunny days. We lived in the bedroom and we kept the door shut. We lived only in the bed. We lived under the covers. We lived curled up together on the side nearest the wall. We lived like that for a long, long time.
Keep Well,
The Vingolani Sisters

December 26, 2013
I wish sometimes that there were giant ants that went around randomly stepping on people. Then folks might think more carefully about how they walk.
Mark My Words,
Jelly Jammer

December 19, 2013
You know how sometimes you're reading a book while riding the subway and the character in the story goes to a specific subway stop and while you're reading that paragraph you look up and realize you are at that very same subway stop that was in the book? Don't you just love that? Happens to me all the time.
Hope to hear from you soon,
Blossom Yang

December 12, 2013
I still have my death ray, if anyone is interested.
Sitting in the Back of Row Three in Ms. Carvello’s English Class,
Fatimah Johnson

December 5, 2013
They are everywhere...curled up all around themselves like brown bloated maggots oozing a sugary sweat. At first you only notice them here or there, but then they pop up everywhere you go. Once they get a foothold they spread and take over. We cannot let this happen! Please help us to alert the public to this horrible menace.
Gratefully,
Citizens for a Croissant-Free Community

November 28, 2013
I'm warning you, if that woman asks you to come by and help her mother with the tomatoes, don't believe a word of it.
Avoiding Trouble,
Panda Sanchez

November 21, 2013
I've won more battles than I've fought. So there.
For The Record,
Mr. Itchy Damp

November 14, 2013
Every scar tells a story. This one on my arm was from the time we robbed the liquor store, and the one on my thigh was from crawling through the broken glass, and the one on my back is from the cop's bullet. The one on my cheek? That's from playing hopscotch.
Onward and Upward,
Chlorine Bitters

November 7, 2013
Which tastes better - the sky or the wind? What is the sound of a single tear? How big is hope? What color is your soul? The answers to these and many more questions can be found at the Starfish Car Wash on Route 11. Ask for Bubbles.
Kind Regards,
The Ministry of Helpful Information

October 31, 2013
Whenever I see a very old woman tottering down the street muttering to herself while wearing crazy, mis-matched stained clothes, I think: Someday I'll be that old woman. Then later I think: Only if I'm lucky.
Best Wishes,
Cranberry Bogg

October 24, 2013
Sometimes life can make a gal feel like some piece of leftover toast. I mean a three-day old piece of toast with congealed butter and jam crawling with flies. That kind of toast with green spots of fungus growing on it and parts of the crust missing. I'm talking putrid decomposition, sweetie. And you just know that when that toast is dropped, it's gonna fall face down.
Disgruntled,
Regina Paperbag

October 17, 2013
Hey - do you want to get together with some of the gang and toss some suds at our favorite bar? Visit the old stomping ground? Huh? Maybe play some tunes and shake our asses like in the old days? Huh? C'mon. It would be a blast. Whaddya say? Huh? Do ya wanna? Huh? Huh?

Answer Me, Dammit,
Wilson Wilson, Jr.

October 10, 2013
It's 10 pm and I know where your children are. All of them.
See Ya,
Orinthia Spunk

October 3, 2013
Olivia was never on time. This was very annoying to all her friends. Until the day when she showed up late to the "Free Tickets For Everyone Who Gets Here On Time" event. That'll teach her.
Yours til Niagra Falls
Tiger Stripeycat

September 26, 2013
They say it takes all kinds to make a world, but I think a world without people yelling at me would work out just fine.
Forever and Always,
Delphine del Phine

September 19, 2013
Six years ago I sent away for a digital ice-cube tray that I saw advertised on television. It also came with a washer/dryer. And that's not all. Because I ordered it that week I was promised a brand new car, too. My personal check for $49.95 was cashed in a week, but I still haven't received my ice-cub tray, not to mention the washer/dryer or the car. It's been six years! Do you think I've been ripped off?

Worried,
Flip Tetramorph

September 12, 2013
Sometimes the soft dark blanket that hangs in the corner of your dirty room filled with decaying garbage turns out to be the sky.
Always in my thoughts,
Mrs. Nevertheless

September 5, 2013
If the gods had wanted women to have sex with men, they wouldn't have made men so smelly and dumb.
Feministically yours,
The Oldest Living Dyke in the City

August 29, 2013
It has come to our attention that there was an error in last week's newsletter. When we said that there would be a meeting on Friday at 2:00 in the main conference room, we really meant that everyone within the building would be instantly vaporized. We regret the mistake.
Humbly,
The International Organization of Associations

August 22, 2013
I know we're supposed to be diverse and mulit-culti and all that. And I know that by 2050 the majority of Americans will be Latinos or Hispanics or whatever they're called. I realize that salsa outsells ketchup in the US. And, yes, I admit how hot those south of the border types can be in the sack. But still, I ask you, do I REALLY have to go out and learn Spanish now?
Whining Very Loudly,
Those White People in Front of You

August 15, 2013
I love my wife. She's more exciting than shooting fireworks off the roof while drinking champagne and dancing naked with a mop handle stuck up my ass. And I should know.
See ya,
Mr. Hank E. Panky

August 8, 2013
I won't be coming in to the office today. I won't be coming in tomorrow either. In fact, I'm taking the whole week off. Maybe the whole month. Oh, what the hell, I quit.

Sick and Tired,
Red Green

August 1, 2013
Gun shots are still acceptable among traditionalists. Panty-hose strangulation is very big with the emotionally stunted, while poison is popular with Russians, people who speak only in whispers, and the large-breasted. Laptop computer explosions have increased in the tech community. Food processor chopping falls under the category of "wacky and way-out" and is more common with artist types.
Keeping Track of It All,
Miss Prawn

July 25, 2013
If you really loved me, I wouldn't have to write this letter.
Kisses,
Captain Annoying

July 18, 2013
It has come to our attention that the young and innocent are being lured into a lifestyle obsessed with pretty things and physical pleasure. And music that we don't understand. We didn't live like that when we were young, and no one else should either. Our youth was spent in a miserable cloud of pain and loneliness, and it's done us a world of good. These kids today don't know what's best for them. 
Absolutely Fed Up,
Your Children 43 Years From Now

July 11, 2013
There's really not much difference between fishing and just standing by the river like an asshole.
Keeping It Real,
Monique Winnepasaka

July 4, 2013
The book starts out pretty well - the characters are compelling, the plot quickly engages the reader, and the writing is fresh. But halfway into the story the author goes into a long, detailed, exceedingly obsessive description of the history of linoleum, and that's when it got really good.
Still At The Library,
Rondelle Watson

June 27, 2013
Would you prefer it hot or cold? Should the pressure be increased? Maybe you'd like it a tad softer? Should the rhythm match the quick staccato of a piston or the slow thump of your heartbeat? Might you desire something smoother or more fuzzy? Glow in the dark - yay or nay? All you have to do is ask.
At Your Service,
"Elbows" Chapeau

June 20, 2013
If I were going to write to a stupid website to express my thoughts, and, let me be perfectly clear, I have NO such intentions of doing so, but were I to compose such a message, you can be sure that YOUR pathetic attempt at clever writing and droll pictures would not be the URL I'd press "send" to.
Hrr-umph,
Mr. Silver Gold

June 13, 2013
Will I be less butch if I shave my legs? What if I get a beautiful woman to shave them for me?

Just Curious,
The Oldest Living Dyke in the City

June 6, 2013
How's this - F. Stop Fitzgerald? Too obvious? Get back to me on this asap.
Much Obliged,
Smiles McBeef

May 30, 2013
I once knew a dog named Kitty. Yes, Kitty. Just so her owner could stand there calling, "Here Kitty, Kitty" and have a huge mix-breed mutt come lumbering out of the kitchen. Can you believe it? Your pet is not the punch line of some lame joke. Your pet is a creature who gives love and affection wholeheartedly. Your pet is a cheerful companion. Your pet provides comfort and joy. But if you die and nobody finds you right away, your pet will eat you.
Proud Animal Lover,
Chrome Jackson

May 23, 2013
Sit down. Shut up. Pay attention. Stop doing whatever it was you were doing. OK? Now just stay like that. Forever and ever and ever.
Thank You Very Much,
The Ones in Charge

May 16, 2013
I know I shouldn't have taken the emerald ring from her jewelry box, or having taken it, I could have refused to pawn it, or having pawned it, I could have redeemed it later instead of spending the money on more commemorative plates for my collection. But, hey, I did what I did and there's nothing I can do about it now except spend a little extra time adoring my commemorative plates and appreciating all the sacrifice necessary for this collection to thrive and grow.
Tootle-loo Kangaroo,
Lady Ace O'Diamonds

May 9, 2013
I'm always hearing about those so-called "innocent victims". But what about guilty victims? Isn't it possible that there are some people who are hit by a stray bullet or flattened by a hit and run driver who might be less than perfect?I'll bet some people who were burnt in gas explosions or buried in avalanches are real bastards.
Thinking things through,
Gravel Swenson

May 2, 2013
What should I have for lunch? I want something crunchy and tasty but not too salty and nothing red. Oh, and it has to fit in my back pocket. Any suggestions?
Thanks a zillion,
Muscles Martinelli

April 25, 2013
The goddam baby was up crying all fucking night and I didn't get any sleep and my back is killing me and it's allergy season again and I hate my stupid cocksucking job and there's no more liquor in the house. So THAT'S why I smashed in all the windows. Next question?
Signed,
Little Sally Foofoo

April 18, 2013
I heard that if you write to this website you'll get a free box of cookies. So here's my letter. But I don't want those wafer cookies - those taste like old, mildewed cardboard filled with kindergarten paste. Come on, you know they do. So if those are the free cookies, then just forget it.

Thanks,
Isthmus Archipelago

April 11, 2013
This is my list:
Things I don't want to happen.
Things I never need to do again.
Stuff I'd rather not think about.
People I don't want to know.
Memories I've forgotten
Obligingly Yours,
Miss Massive